Now, it took some time for me to get to where I am (obviously) and to know, accept and love all of me. What irks the heck out of me is people with their assumptions: that one has not achieved certain milestones in their lives because they are not mature, open, don’t know themselves etc. It’s very easy to be on the outside and to make your own evaluations based on what you see. However, remember everything is about perception: of yourself, your beliefs and what YOU believe about the people you experience and how you perceive them experiencing you.
That being said, the world is significantly different from that which it was several decades ago. People are more open, and not in a good way, communication technology is at its zenith yet we fail to communicate effectively. There are lonelier, misunderstood people in the world now in spite of our ability to communicate with anyone at any time. We talk more but say less. People share more about their private lives publicly yet are more unknown, more distant to the persons closest to them: their family and friends. I look from my corner of the world and I feel like someone lost in the midst of a crowd of people I should know. I’m invited to the party but I’m certainly not having fun.
Why is that? I have found that in my quest to become more of my authentic self (Jamaican, female, Christian, family girl, student of life & academia) that I have become dissatisfied with many of my experiences and feel as though I am watching a part of myself smile and laugh and nod though not really experiencing any of it. For though I am who and where I want to be, you have chosen to see the me you want me to be. It’s as though you cannot accept me for who I am, faults and all.
You’d want me to be perfect and yet you aren’t. You choose to see the parts of me that makes you comfortable, not the parts of me that hurts, wants to scream and cry when things are crappy, the parts of me that though older and more experienced, are still as uncertain as ever. You say “At your age, you should know better!” Who the heck are YOU to say who I should be at any age? Are YOU me? Who are you to say that I should meet the social expectations you have for me that are so damn unrealistic because there is only so much that I can control? Are you the God that wrote the blueprint of my life?
What I’m saying is, don’t place the expectations you have for yourself onto me. What is for you isn’t necesarily for me. What you accomplish, what anyone accomplishes, is all done in the time and manner it was meant to. If you can’t live with who I am, leave me alone. I’m okay being me.