Some sage words I told a friend of mine during a conversation some years ago. How true they are right now, in this moment as I seek to live beyond the limitations that circumstances, my mind and others I’ve allowed to become significant have placed on me. I’ve been evaluating my life and the role of others whom I have deemed important to my existence.
I’m at a crossroads.
I need to leave but habit and an in-built sense of obligation has me at a standstill.
In the last few months, I’ve been quietly but steadily thinking of moving: leaving my current home, job, circle of friends, the people I love dearly and all the things I’ve come to both love and hate behind. Just get up and go. To another country and just start afresh.
I mean, its not like I’m unhappy. But I’m not happy either. I have been steadily making progress towards some life goals and have accomplished a couple of them in the last year. I’ve recently been appointed to a position at my job that I’ve waited quite a long time for (and many would love to be where I am) and I should be grateful. And I am. I have resumed an academic pursuit that will enable me to enjoy some professional growth and positioning in another year or two. Home life is good – there are some challenges but nothing that time cannot overcome.
So why do I feel this overwhelming sense of boredom and disappointment? Why this need for change?
I have shoved the feeling away every-time that it comes up and even started a gratitude journal to help me keep track of all that I do have going for me. How blessed I am and as a reminder of how long I have waited for many of these life events to occur.
But I just can’t shake the feeling.
It’ll go away, I know. But then it returns with a vengeance and I am hushed into silence and a feeling of utter dissatisfaction. I don’t like it at all. I am usually the one with the answers but this time, an answer eludes me. I know it’s there, deep down, but perhaps its revelation will frighten me and I don’t want to acknowledge it.
So instead, I wait. And let it go for today because it’s obviously not the day to face it.