Exhale: Control

Its that time again. Its the cusp of a new year and I’m skittish, jittery, swinging moodily from melancholy to eager anticipation, unable to steady myself because I can’t wait to see what’s around the corner. I don’t like surprises and I terribly lack patience.

Its hard for a girl who likes control to wait.

This pattern of behaviour manifested quite early in my life and has grown steadily in my adulthood. I see it as a sort of weird fascination with things macabre, as I seem to expect bad things to happen. And they do, as life would have it. Things happened, good and bad, and I have dealt with them quite well, I think.

But control – I have been that person who prefers to plan and put things in place so that the best can occur in any given situation. That’s attempting to play God and I don’t have super powers! So you certainly can imagine the disappointments that I have had! Whew! Control is the elimination of risks and no matter how you try, risk is a part of living itself.

The good thing though is that I am that person who self examines and attempts to better herself through concerted effort. I know who I am and see living that way (attempting to play Elastic Girl and keeping all things within my grasp) as an exercise in futility. Having acknowledged this weakness, I’ve arrived at a place that allows me to safely navigate this hiccup in my personality: I’ve become resolute. Resolve refers to being “firmly determined to do something” and though disappointments come, being one who doesn’t readily give up when things don’t work out as I anticipated, has allowed me to experience some successes. What I’ve learnt to do is anticipate and plan for risks in the areas that I am able to.

I’ve recognized, long ago, that making resolutions of any sort is a waste of time. With liking control comes a lack of patience, a bit of hyperactivity and a tendency to get bored easily. I already know that I lack the discipline to sit still and let things happen. So what do I do when I really am in control of a few given things in  life? I have resolved to do whatever it takes, in that moment, to adequately address whatever it is that I am facing. Elastic Girl, despite her attempts at heroism, wasn’t gifted with the ability to travel into the future. Therefore I’ve had to learn to be content with now, and work with what I’m given. Happiness, peace and contentment are sacred to me and so I try (Try  being the operative word), to place myself in an environment that allows me to access those three as best and often as possible.

And that’s about all I can do.

I’ve learnt to appreciate surprises, as much as I hate them. I’m learning to let go and let God. I can’t live life afraid of taking chances and expecting the Bogey Man around every corner. Life is way more than that. Bad things happen, and sometimes they really suck. However, I’ve had so many wonderful unplanned experiences that made me so happy that I’m glad I didn’t know. I recognize now that things will happen as they are supposed to, at the time they were meant to. Now I’m okay with opening myself up to possibilities, exhaling and letting things go where they should. Certainly not an easy task , but I’m willing and I’ve seen that it works.

So okay future. Surprise me.

 

 

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