A few months ago, I was taken by surprise when I found out that two childhood friends were getting married. I was overcome with happiness for them and expressed my joy by praising God.
I thought about our early days in primary and high schools, and of the twists and turns our lives took. Some of the turns were rough, really rough. For me, there were times that I personally gave up. More than once, I thought it best if I never existed. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
But then, I took a breath. And another breath. And another. And things, though still trying and troubling, didn’t feel as badly as it did. I made plans and started working towards them. As I did, I came upon stumbling blocks, fell down mountain sides, broke my heart, had my heart broken. My body was broken. And for a while, my spirit felt broken too.
I was crying tears through the night, until they pooled in my ears. Through many smiles and loud laughter, I sometimes felt very alone because I felt I couldn’t share what I was going through. No one would understand, even though if I told them, they’d say they did. So I put on a face and pressed on. Sometimes, when you are caught up in your world of pain, you feel so isolated.
Despite this, something deep inside me, compelled me to go on. Though I was challenged, I knew giving up was not an option. This is something I’ve come to know about myself, a statement I’ve quietly whispered through tearful prayers over recent years: It’s hard, but I have no idea on how to quit. It’s not in me to give up. And it’s not that I haven’t truly wanted to. There are those days when the burdens are too much to bear and it manifests as a heaviness that saps my strength.
It was in those moments, that God said, “My child, my strength is made perfect in your weakness”. Letting go and surrendering control is difficult for me. But I’ve had to just let go and let God. And so I laid down, physically when strength failed me, and I was spiritually drained. I became quiet and withdrew so I could take sustenance from my source.
It is during these times that I able to see my way. When I became still, and stopped trying to solve every single thing or explain and understand it all, I came to recognize there ARE going to be those occasions and experiences for which there are no logical explanations. This understanding didn’t come overnight but revealed itself as time progressed and I matured experiencially. Sometimes being still was hard but because I know for sure that this power holds my future, I started to move forward with confidence. I didn’t need to see or know all things, because He sees and knows all things.
I look at my now and think of how things were being orchestrated and organized to meet me right where I am. And I know its the same for all of us. The way is sometimes circuitous: there are delays, disturbances, distractions and mis-directions. Sometimes it seems we take the long route when the journey could have been less challenging.
But there were important lessons to learn. Perhaps circumventing them would mean a longer journey. And so though the journey seems long, take your time. Be gentle with yourself and stop comparing yourself to those who are ahead of you. That is only a source of frustration. Be reminded ” The race is not for the swift nor the strong but for those who endure to the end”.
Stay the course and draw strength from your source. It’ll be worth it in the end.