Trembling

via Daily Prompt: Tremble

Today, I was visited by another of the Education Ministry’s officials. It was expected, as it is a process we have been going through. Though I’m typically relaxed and confident in my delivery of the content I instruct in, on this occasion I felt a little off-centre, perhaps because I was being observed by an individual who knows nothing of the various personalities I am expected to teach, attend to their varied proclivities, weaknesses and strengths. Yet here she was, all serious and no nonsense, evaluating me on what I manage on a daily basis.

It struck me while I walked around, patted this one on the shoulder, encouraged another to supply an answer to the question I asked, as to how unbalanced the process is. Its filled with bureaucracy where persons are expected to fit into and perform roles that differ from day to day. They evaluate you on one role: facilitator/educator, and have no idea as to what that really means. You either love it or you leave it. You see it as a struggle or you see it as a challenge that forces you to reach for every resource within you.

And that I did. At one point I was about to let nerves kick in because I thought ” Am I doing well?” ” Am I following my plan” though this is something I’ve done without second thought, on so many occasions before. Instead, I reached for what I knew – my students and how to get them to where they need to be, reached for the tools I knew would help them get there, took a deep breath and steadied my trembling hands.

I got this.

 

Exhale: Control

Its that time again. Its the cusp of a new year and I’m skittish, jittery, swinging moodily from melancholy to eager anticipation, unable to steady myself because I can’t wait to see what’s around the corner. I don’t like surprises and I terribly lack patience.

Its hard for a girl who likes control to wait.

This pattern of behaviour manifested quite early in my life and has grown steadily in my adulthood. I see it as a sort of weird fascination with things macabre, as I seem to expect bad things to happen. And they do, as life would have it. Things happened, good and bad, and I have dealt with them quite well, I think.

But control – I have been that person who prefers to plan and put things in place so that the best can occur in any given situation. That’s attempting to play God and I don’t have super powers! So you certainly can imagine the disappointments that I have had! Whew! Control is the elimination of risks and no matter how you try, risk is a part of living itself.

The good thing though is that I am that person who self examines and attempts to better herself through concerted effort. I know who I am and see living that way (attempting to play Elastic Girl and keeping all things within my grasp) as an exercise in futility. Having acknowledged this weakness, I’ve arrived at a place that allows me to safely navigate this hiccup in my personality: I’ve become resolute. Resolve refers to being “firmly determined to do something” and though disappointments come, being one who doesn’t readily give up when things don’t work out as I anticipated, has allowed me to experience some successes. What I’ve learnt to do is anticipate and plan for risks in the areas that I am able to.

I’ve recognized, long ago, that making resolutions of any sort is a waste of time. With liking control comes a lack of patience, a bit of hyperactivity and a tendency to get bored easily. I already know that I lack the discipline to sit still and let things happen. So what do I do when I really am in control of a few given things in  life? I have resolved to do whatever it takes, in that moment, to adequately address whatever it is that I am facing. Elastic Girl, despite her attempts at heroism, wasn’t gifted with the ability to travel into the future. Therefore I’ve had to learn to be content with now, and work with what I’m given. Happiness, peace and contentment are sacred to me and so I try (Try  being the operative word), to place myself in an environment that allows me to access those three as best and often as possible.

And that’s about all I can do.

I’ve learnt to appreciate surprises, as much as I hate them. I’m learning to let go and let God. I can’t live life afraid of taking chances and expecting the Bogey Man around every corner. Life is way more than that. Bad things happen, and sometimes they really suck. However, I’ve had so many wonderful unplanned experiences that made me so happy that I’m glad I didn’t know. I recognize now that things will happen as they are supposed to, at the time they were meant to. Now I’m okay with opening myself up to possibilities, exhaling and letting things go where they should. Certainly not an easy task , but I’m willing and I’ve seen that it works.

So okay future. Surprise me.

 

 

The Last Thing I Read That Moved Me: Jeremiah

imagesCA30WOT9

Disclaimer: I saw the title on the Daily Post and was inspired to write this.

I am attempting to do something that requires commitment (which I tend to lack): I am reading my Bible, cover to cover. I haven’t set a time limit as that would guarantee that I wouldn’t finish reading it in any semblance of order.

I am now at the Book of Jeremiah the Prophet, who has been bringing a disobedient Israel God’s word. He has been rejected, cursed out, threatened with death by his own people who have sold themselves (as God called them in Jeremiah 3: 6) “Like a prostitute under every spreading tree”.

What moves me in this book as it had in Isaiah, is that God reminds me of that unrequited love, of that person who hungers and thirsts after the love and attention of that special one and is constantly rejected and ignored until a time when favour is needed. He pleads, he forgives, he waits, he sends word of his love and of his disappointment, of his anger and of his hurt, only to have his love return, but for a moment.

He waits on Israel, but she has found another love, one out to destroy her. But she runs into his arms nonetheless, willing, ready and open to give him all her charms. To have him use her up and discard her, and turn to the next victim, all the time with her eyes wide shut, blinded by the promises he whispers in her ears.

And yet, once more, this gracious, merciful creator awaits like that faithful spouse, to open His arms and welcome his love back home. Forgiving and forgetting all wrongs and willing to start afresh once more, with no guarantee of faithfulness.

Could you do that?

To Rachel, my daughter

My beautiful darling girl!

I have waited so long for you that I often forgot that I desired you; I pushed the idea of having you away and made myself so busy that the empty space in my heart would be overwhelmed with activities. But that never lasts for long. I realize that no one and nothing can fill a place that was created just for you. On the days when your persistent beats flips my heart, I smile and hug the thought of you close to me and be comforted by the knowledge of your eventuality.

Today, I am being given the unique opportunity to communicate with your future self. A myriad of emotions and thoughts circulate in my head all at once, and I’m struggling to put them together as I have only 24 hours to communicate with you and I have so much to tell you!

Where do I begin?

I love you. I have always loved and desired you. Your father and I have wanted to create you, a representation of the best of us and our love, embodied in a physical being. I hope you have his kind eyes and my ready laugh! We argue from time to time that you will favour him more than me on the days when we don’t see eye to eye!

My prayer is that, as your name embodies that meaning, that you are pure. I debated bring a child into today’s world, so full of anger and hatred, spite and malice, pain, discontent and chaos. I wondered how will your father and I  protect you from the harshness you are bound to meet, the unbridled, senseless evil that defy explanation the seems to be the norm of this age?

But I realize that we have overcome and have found beauty in the midst of the ashes. I understand that just like our parents, Daddy and I will have to equip you with the tools that will enable you to appreciate the world as it is. Teach you to appreciate life and savour the moments of pure joy and happiness that you are sure to experience. To grab opportunities that comes your way, and to live a full, free and fearless life.

I need you to understand that life is full of beauty though some days may be overshadowed by the ugly. To find your peace, you have to pursue it and when you find it, take the time to absorb it into your soul.

Enjoy the simple things, my love. From a meal to the warmth of sunshine on your face. To the shared hilarity of our crazy family gatherings to a cosy, quiet evening with a good book. I love books so I selfishly hope you grow to love them too. We often take these things for granted and it is long after the moment has passed that we are able to appreciate them.

You will make mistakes but use them as tools to propel you to the next best thing. Give love, be open to receive love and understand that love will break your heart as quickly as it heals it.

There’s so much more to say. But for the rest of the day, please take the opportunity to speak to me. It is just as important to listen as it is to speak.

Your mother,

Donna Simone