I met Him many years ago and I surrendered to the relationship. At least I thought I had. I had expectations that unfortunately, caused me to leave the relationship. I was disappointed, hurt and bewildered because I thought that once we were together, things would change. It did, but not in ways I was ready and able to accept or appreciate.
After a time, I reached out to him. Our connection is undeniable and though I had turned away from Him, He was never far from my thoughts. That is the nature of loving Him. Once our relationship was established, I couldn’t deny it. He drew me into Him from the start: layered, complex, unfathomable, formidable.
Occasionally, just when I thought I clearly understood and grasped all of who He is, then He’d reveal a side to me that caused me to shake my head in wonder. There were times when the depth of Him scared me and I had to take my self away to a quiet place regain strength. I’d always felt this need for Him, like a itch I couldn’t scratch but learnt to ignore over time. It was persistent, as it remained and just wouldn’t go away, no matter how far I ran or what I did to make Him love me less or how I tried to ignore Him.
It was His heart and spirit that drew me in. I’d been wronged by many, but never to the extent that He was. He was spat on, beaten maimed and in the end, He died for all the wrongs that was placed on His shoulders. His heart, if you could experience this spiritual yet physical thing, was so pure that even while He was being killed, He forgave. What a love!
I searched many years for a love like this. Crazy as it is, I searched for something that I already had. What I thought was without, was within. He showed me that I had to love and accept me first before I could be free to bask in the love He had for me. Before I could recognize that He was here loving me all the time and just waiting for me to acknowledge Him. That there was no thing that could take His love away from me, because I couldn’t earn it, it was freely given.
As time passed and I made time for conversations with Him, I began to see other sides to His personality. The benevolence, the protection, the sacrifices He has made and is willing to make. He tells me there is nothing too hard for Him to do for me. It is within His power and if it is for my greater good, then it is done. He would always protect me, as He had before to His detriment, because He believes I’m worth it. He speaks truth only, even when it is hardest for me to receive. He intention is never to hurt but to lead me to a place that I am and can become all I was meant to. His ultimate desire is to ensure that I prosper, that I have joy and I’m filled with peace.
I’m still learning to love Him. There is always more to learn – more conversations to have, more revelations, a deeper level of understanding, communication and connection. It is said that relationships thrive on these truths – open, honest communication, selflessness, sacrifice and intimacy developed with time spent. So I’m doing all these and spending quality time with Him.
I’m being honest now – I can’t help it. I might as well speak the truth because He sees into my heart. I am not able to hide anything from Him. Before I say it, he already knows so I just tell Him how I feel: my insecurities, my hurt, disappointment and at times, bitter resentment. The uncertainty that I have made the right choice. The thing is, He responds with kindness and a tenderness that is heart-breaking because I can only hope to be like that.
But He understands. His only request is that I live and love truthfully. All the rest will fall into place.